25 for life yo!!

It would only be fitting to follow up a moving home post with a busto/run bad poker post right, haha. Above is this past week at 25, where I have dropped down to regain confidence to move back to 50 again.......still working on that confidence thing.

It's kind of funny because I don't like talking about running bad etc because when I hear someone talk about that, it normally means you suck and your using a scapegoat. So, to that I admit I do use it as a crutch or a scape goat sometimes. Lately I feel as though variance has just beaten me down to a nub and with all of the other things going on in my life, it has started to weigh on me heavily. Despite the past few months and all the real life things I still don't hate playing poker. When I come out of this stretch of what the fuck everness I will still love poker. In the past when my job/career has gotten to a similar low point, it has been where I have figured out what else I want to do, yet I find myself still wanting to play poker. Poker really does make me happy, as sickening as that may sound considering my past few months. All I can do is try and focus on playing better, making the right plays and not tilting and things will come around.

The next few weeks will undoubtedly be tough but I'm just gonna put my head down and grind. I don't really have another option and it's just what I have to do.

I have almost made it through the entire series of The Wire and I have to agree with most people that it is one of the best series ever. The writers/cast do a really great job of giving it such a realistic feel as well as a compelling story line that you can't help but like it.

Cheers to playing better and things will get better!!!

Dash

Moving home for the summer

Well after much thought over the past couple months I have decided to move home for this summer for many reasons. The first being that my step father had a heart attack a few months ago and things have been rough for my parents. So moving home to help them out as much as I can is the least I could do. Just helping out with the little things and being around to see my mom will help. My mom has missed me greatly so I am looking forward to spending time with her as well.

I have also had a couple bad months in a row with poker. I'm not talking negative losing months, I still haven't had a losing month and wouldn't expect to have one until I start playing upper small stakes or mid stakes. I have just had about 3 months in a row where my expected income, income I had and was starting to make regularly, cut in half. This would have been alright had I not been retarded earlier in life and racked up a bunch of credit card debt. I ran up a lot of credit debt just trying to hang with the people and do the things that I thought mattered in life and now that I'm a little older I recognize that those were very bad decisions and have to pay for them, every month now later in life. So, moving home to pay things off over the next 6-8 months is the main goal as I am planning to move back out here and live with an old college roommate and some others in the fall.

Another major reason is the current climate of online poker. http://www.pokernews.com/news/2010/03/no-more-delays-for-the-uigea-8051.htm. This has been in the back of my mind since moving out here but the bill was delayed until June 1st 2010 therefore allowing for some breathing room. Basically all the bill will do is make it harder for recreational players to deposit money online. That still isn't the biggest worry however. The bill is aimed at business accounts, not personal checking/banking accounts. The big worry is that banks will start to over block and enforce these regulations on the average checking account therefore making it very hard for me to withdraw my winnings. Again these regulations go into effect June 1st therefore being at home and not having ~10-15k in living expenses over my head is probably the smart thing to do for the time being.

One of the best things I love about poker is that I can just pick up and move wherever as long as I have an internet connection. Ever since I moved from Indianapolis, I have really slimmed down on the things I have to move as I was pretty sure I would be moving again after I got out here. So I haven't really purchased any furniture. It's kind of nice though. I made a choice after leaving Indianapolis to shed alot of the things that don't really matter in life. I am very happy leading a simple life and just having the necessities. That being said I have an excellent computer set up for poker but I still don't have a bed. This isn't a bad thing either. I consciously told myself I wasn't going to get a bed and other furniture until I found a permanent place to settle down again. I still haven't found that place. I love southern California very much and hope to settle down here in the near future.

At first I was very depressed and sad at the notion of moving home but after much thought it really is the best move for me and my future. I embrace moving home and really helping out and getting ahead in my own life as well. Also my main goal is to move back out here to Huntington Beach in the fall around October. That should provide a good amount of time to help get things right in all parts of my life.

A comment about "running bad"

I honestly feel like everyone who takes and plays poker seriously should suffer a 20-40 bi below ev stretch sometime relatively early in their career. The reason I say this, is due to my last ~200k hands I have ran around ~40 buyins below ev. During this time, I have wanted to quit, destroyed things, loved poker but managed to look at myself very introspectively as a person and what I really wanted out of life. I have questioned taking the plunge into poker as a career for the time being and realized, last month while still "running bad", that I truly love poker. Maybe I am semi-masochistic, maybe I am chasing the next loss/run-bad stretch? I doubt it because I hate losing and am not an avid shot taker, hence being fairly risk averse.

I always knew I liked poker better than other jobs I have had prior but even during this rough patch, I still have the desire to play and get better. It's the getting better part and wanting to work harder part that has been a huge benefit to "running bad" for me. I have been very fortunate to have a great coach, roommate and other poker friends throughout to help keep me sane and inspire me in different ways. It's the desire to get up and grind and get better that makes me appreciate and want to make the most out of my poker opportunity. I had an idea that I felt like this before but the past couple of months have truly solidified and reinforced my passion and appreciation to be able to do something for a living that a am passionate about.

I also read and hear every single day about someone who is "running bad" or running 6 buyins below ev, etc and most people really do not have a clue to be honest. I'm not trying to be mean or say I am better than others I am just being honest and a realist. I think far too often people convince themselves that they are just running bad or blame their bad play on variance and getting sucked out on when in fact you are just playing bad to begin with and it snowballs into "running bad". The reason I can say this is because I have gone through a couple periods like this. Periods where I thought I was better than the competition and had just convinced myself that my account was rigged. Don't get me wrong, thinking you are better than the competition is a good thing but I think we sometimes play improperly vs someone whom we view as inferior which can then snowball to playing other hands poorly etc etc...

All that aside I'm off to a good start this month and running above ev! I have a lot of stuff going on currently such as moving within the next month, then moving again a month or so after that, then moving again a few months later. I have a pretty busy year as far as moving around but I am ok with it all. It should help me really focus on poker and taking things to the next level. Cheers to March and F February!!!

Almost the end of the month

Since last week I have continued to only play 50nl FR and have continued to do well. I had a little breakeven stretch in there where I was absolutely card dead but managed to run ~$300 above ev in one session. Interestingly enough I still ended down about $150 that session. I have managed to run like god the past 3-4 days and it feels nice for once. It's kind of funny because at the beginning of the month when I was ~15 buyins below ev I was bitching and within 2 or 3 sessions I got it all back. I understand why so many say not focus on the EV aspect of the game but it is very hard to do sometimes.

I am fully into my workout schedule now. I think I am somewhere around 2 weeks and have worked out every day except 2, I believe. I have started lifting earlier in the day, normally with Joey and then getting my cardio in later at night. The past two days I have really stepped it up and ran for 45 minutes and 1 hour. Granted it's on the elliptical but if I run on the treadmill it kills my knees, old soccer injuries. It's still all good though because I've been burning 500+ calories a cardio session so I'm happy. Running for 45 minutes to an hour doesn't seem that long either. I just plug my headphones into the tv and go and the time flies by. I am trying to hit the weights a little harder now that my body has gotten a little more used to lifting again.

I have a few goals in mind with my recent semi-workout obsession.
1) I wanted to get into shape. I was eating fast food and sleeping alot and starting to put on some extra weight.
2) It's a great way to get out of the apartment and do something with my life. I work 4-8 hours a day so there is really no reason why I shouldn't at least get into shape.
3) I knew it would help me overall with poker. This ties in with 1 & 2. By eating healthier and getting into shape it helps me focus on poker much better. I am also sleeping much better and only 6-8 hours a night anymore, with no naps.

Overall all these things add up and make me a much happier person. As a poker player it easy to fall into the groove where you just eat sleep poker. Eating healthier and working out has helped clear my mind and just helped me enjoy life and be much happier in general. I think its a big advantage to wake up in the morning and be ready to go and look forward to the different things throughout the day, rather than just go along with them and complain how much something sucks.

I'm gonna continue to grind out smaller sessions and booking wins. My coach and I have plans for me to start shot taking 100 within the next week or so. I am pretty excited for that and my good results at 50 have helped give me confidence. I'll grind out the last couple of days of the month and then wrap up January.

TV shows and past few days

Since my last post I've had numerous discussions with people and I'm no longer going to play on my own money, regardless of what stakes I play. Which, will only be 50nl and higher from now on. I think the stress and frustration with playing other stakes on my own money are too much currently. Luckily, I have alot of people in my life, not just in the poker world, that are more than willing to help me get through whatever. I owe countless gratitudes to many people in my life that help me more than they know it and its feels pretty awesome to have friends that are willing to do whatever and I would obviously do the same for them. Anyways, I'm back to just focusing on 50nl FR and continuing to beat it for a pretty good rate. I wanna play another week or so and then start to take 100 shots so I am getting amped up for that and feeling very confident.

Playing poker for a living you have to have things you listen to or watch during the sessions since, I will sit in front of my computer for at least 8-10 hours a day. I wanted to make a list of the tv shows that I have watched in entirety recently and currently follow, partly for my own aid but to share some of my opinions on the shows as well. I get asked frequently to recommend tv shows so maybe this will help some.

Sci-Fi:
Stargate SGS-1-Best sci-fi series to date. Great cast, eventhough some stories became repetetive but overall made me really think about alot of mythology that surrounds us. SG1 comes up with theoretical, yet believable reasons for many of the beliefs and mythologies that we find in our world today. The most interesting and base of the show being the real reason for the pyramids.
Stargate Atlantis-Flashier than SG1 but I don't think this cast had the cohesion the SG1 cast had. This story line is mostly left over scripts from SG1 too but a very good series all together.
True Blood-Best "realistic" vampire series on tv. Story writing is pretty solid even though the acting is average.
Battlestar Galactica-If SG1 isn't the best sci-fi series ever, BSG is for sure. The overall story and theme has real world application and makes one think while watching. "What has happened before will happen again" and so on and so forth. It also provides an interesting dilema that we could find ourselves in within the next century, regarding robots and to what extent they actually aid the human race. Well written, directed and acting throughout the entire series with an actual and appropriate ending that we don't see in many series nowadays.
Caprica-Still in its infancy but has promise as the prequal to the BSG series.
Dollhouse-Great writing from Joss Whedon as always but I find myself drifting while watching the last few episodes.
Highlander-A classic and will always be one of my favorites as I watched it growing up.
V-Really good story (I know based off old story) with a modern adaptation allowing them to do many things they couldnt 20 years ago. Acting is kinda sub-par though.
Warehouse 13-I watched the first 12-13 episodes and haven't watched any since......its a cheaper version of The X-Files imo.

Comedy:
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia-Best comedy currently on tv.
Modern Family-Best new comedy series with a feux reality film style that adds to the humor.
Cougar Town-Kind of funny but I found myself drifting after the first few episodes. Could be because I'm not a 40 year old cougar, sorry Courtney Cox.
30 Rock-Every episode is funny and always good to put on if I dont feel like watching anything else. Alec Baldwin's character is the best in the show and I think Tina Fey is hot.
Married With Children-A classic and still funny 20 years later.
Arrested Development-Ahead of it's time and a must see for any off the wall humor lover.
The Big Bang Theory-A unique nerdy comedy that keeps me interested as I find myself somewhat identifying with the nerd characters throughout the episodes.
How I Met Your Mother-My old roommate and I classified this as Friends for guys. The writers do a good, yet annoying job of stringing the audience along with the whole, who is the mother story line, meanwhile NPH's manwhore character seems to basically carry the rest of the show. I watch this show every night it premiers and always look forward to watching it.
Californiacation-A sad comedy that follows David Duchuvnys self destructive father/teen-adult lifestyle. A good guys show as we can envy yet be sad as he has sex with many girls and gets smashed/high nearly every episode while destroying his home life.....seems somewhat biographical for him honestly.
Entourage-The best guys show out. My only beef is that they don't make enough episodes and it seems as though the show is becoming bogged down in itself, with the characters in real life getting big egos. But who wouldn't wanna live the Hollywood lifestyle and bang models or get fallout ass as part of your rich friends fame???
Family Guy-Always pushing the limits and continues to give me about 1 "Wow, did they really do that" an episode. I find the jokes going over my head sometimes but I like that the jokes make me think. Best comedy cartoon on tv.
The Office-Anyone who's ever worked in an office can find humor in every single episode. The overall cast is one of the best casts currently on tv as well. There isn't a weak spot in the show and they have given the fans what they want with Pam and Jim getting married as well as having a baby on the way. The 2nd best comedy on tv, behind Its Always Sunny.
Penn & Teller: Bullshit!-An interesting and informative look into many common ideas or beliefs. Penn & Teller do some research and put their quirky funny and uncensored spin on it while actually proving or disproving the ideas/beliefs they are looking into.
Scrubs-Who doesn't love scrubs. I will admit that I love Zach Braffs character but his overall girlishness does get annoying at times but is overshadowed by the excellent cast and writing. Always recommend anyone to watch this.
Two and a Half Men-Who doesn't wanna be Charlie Sheens character, which in my opinion he is just playing himself in real life and not in fact acting. Overall you find yourself laughing, yet envying Charlie's character and the kid as well as the house keeper are solid supporting cast members. I actually find myself never sympethizing for Allen as he is a sorry excuse for a man, which is a testament to the light hearted writing and another excellent product from Chuck Lorre.


Drama:
Mad Men-Is an amazing drama set in the 60's. For someone like myself, in my mid 20's, it provides me the opportunity to get a glimpse of what life was like when my parents were growing up. The story revolves around men in the advertising business. The sexism as well as the over indulgence of smoking everywhere in public is pretty enlightening. I think its an excellent show as the writing and acting provide (to me) an accurate depiction of what it must have been like to live during the 1960's.
Dexter-I really like the idea for the show. There are many times I find myself identifying with him eventhough hes a serial killer. I have found myself not so eager to watch as many episodes midway through season 2 however as some of the story has become mundane but many people tell me it picks back up.
Heroes-Have always loved it since it first came out. Even the boring second and 3rd story building seasons. This season has gotten back to being on track with the overall good vs evil, human evolution side of things this season though. Also, Hayden Panittiere is pretty amazing to look at.
Kings-This was the best drama to come out in the past few years. It is a modern adaptation of The Old Testament's story of David and Goliath. I thought the story was very well written and directed but as NBC likes to do with any great show, they canceled it after one season.
Las Vegas-The most fun and likeable cast out of any series within the past few years, easily. There is an identifiable character for every type of person and who doesn't love Las Vegas. I still don't like the ending but understand since they got canceled. Great fun spirited show with hot girls.
Nip/Tuck-The first 2-4 seasons were really good but then they moved to Hollywood. Since then the show has fallen off but I will continue to watch because, its Nip/Tuck and they always push the envelope for social comfortability on television.
Sons of Anarchy-This gets my vote for the best drama currently on television. It's basically a biker gang version of Sopranos. Since I loved the Sopranos, I love Sons. It also has great acting portraying, what I would view as the common biker/biker gang. The writing is excellent as they throw you a few curveballs and tend to give the audience what we want.
Spartacus-Just premiered last week and is pretty average. It's as if the movies 300 and The Gladiator had sex and produced this overdone bloody tale but it does show full frontal so that's a plus!! I will keep watching because the story does seem well written but I could do without the over exageration of blood, literally every fight and every single punch and blow. It's cool at first but becomes somewhat irritatingly funny after awhile. I understand the directors are trying to convey the raw sense of the Roman culture but its a little overdone.



Reality:
The Hills-Who doesn't love Lauren Conrad??? The show sucks now that she is not on it. I don't care what anyone says but I find Lauren to be a caring and not entirely clueless about the things that go on around her. I don't think Audrina horse face is hot and I could honestly care less about Kristen Cavalari. Spencer is worth the entertainment value alone as he takes douchebaggery to an entirely new level with his social cluelessness.
Jersey Shore-Every episode is one big Ed Hardy/D-bag/Bitch commercial, I love it!! This is the perfect show to sit down, have a drink and be amazed and proud of yourself as you watch the most self-absorbed and truly clueless people be totally ridiculous about the most mundane things.
Keeping Up with the Kardashians-I honestly can not give a rational explanation as to why I like this show but I do. I think it's because there are so many characters and I feel bad for Bruce. Plus I like seeing how ridiculous the girls are and how much they over react about the simplest of situations.
Man vs. Wild-I don't care if he does have situations presented to him and has some assistance. The fact still remains that he's still doing ridiculous things in front of the camera without the help. This show actually provides some real life advice also and I find myself taking away a couple bits of info each episode, if I'm ever stranded in the Gobi Desert of course.
Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew-I've only seen the first few episodes but looks ridiculously promising from a watching a train wreck point of view, plus Dr. Drew is the man.

Anime:
Trinity Blood- This is my first attempt into the world of Anime. It's a futuristic vampire story with all kinds of moral dilemas and comes highly recommended from many who read anime's and mangas. So far it has me intrigued with the vampire vs church story line that has underlying religious and morals undertones throughout.


This list turned out to be way longer than I expected but oh well. So yeah, I watch a shit load of tv but feel as though I am well versed to give an opinion on almost any show on tv. I have watch virtually every show on television but don't follow them because tv is flooded with trash tv. Yes even too trashy for me sometimes.

A new low.....

I was somewhat reluctant to post what I'm thinking at the moment, especially right after a session but it's a blog, its 1:30 am here and noone is really up and fuck it. I have had numerous "down/bad" times throughout my short, 1 year career but sometimes it just becomes too much. The pressure of having bills along with having to play alot under that pressure can just really break me down sometimes. The whole month has really been shitty for me but the past few days especially and I have been playing alot. It just seems like the harder I try and the more I play the less I get out of it or the more disappointment I get out of it is probably a better way of putting how I feel at the moment.

People who don't play poker and are reading this are probably like "Well it's gambling you can't always win" and some even think that you can never win long term, which is wrong. Pouring your heart and soul into poker and losing money equates to the real world/job equivelant of doing your dream job and failing. Or going into your regular job every day and no matter how hard you try or how well you perform, your boss will still yell at you and you will lose a portion of your pay. Imagine going into a typical office job and being docked pay ~30% of the time through no fault of your own, even if you did your job the best way possible.

The variance the past few months has just been killing me. Not just daily, run 2 buy ins below ev (expected value) but the long term effects it has on me mentally. I've ran below ev every single month since August I think or July. Blah blah ev I know but until you have run under ev for an extended period of time you really have no idea what it feels like. I'm not just talking about losing coin flips or villains always hitting flush draws. It's just sick stuff like running AK/KK into AA 13 times the past 8k hands and losing all of them. Losing a large portion of pots I'm playing with half stacked fish who either set mine successfully or flop two pair against my over pair/Top Pair Top kicker, leaving me no room to ever fold. Flop a set lose ever imaginable way possible.

I know I am rambling but I wanted to convey my point properly. So many people, I would venture to say at least 90% of the people who play for a living, for fun, as side income or whatever other reason have little to no understanding of true variance. I'm not talking just winning coin flips, AA vs KK etc..... I'm talking getting paid a certain percentage of the time when you do make a hand. I see so many regs that play horrible and just run so good its ridiculous. They set mine out of position, miss streets of value or just value overall. So many just play terrible and run good at situations that they miss play. I've just developed a large resentment and hatred towards so many players. I don't think its good for my game to hate certain people as it probably leads to me misjudging them or viewing them as inferior and playing improperly.

I read a post daily or weekly about someone having a "downswing" over 40k hands. What they fail to acknowledge or at least admit to themselves is that they have run hotter than the sun on the "upswing" in various ways and are just bad players. I'm far from a great player but I see so many of those posts and guys who are truly clueless. They think its perfectly standard to set mine every opportunity possible because they did so for the previous 100k hands and flopped a set ~15-20% of the time and even more important stacked an opponent some way or another a very high percentage of the time. I'm choosing set mining to really bitch about because the past couple days I have played a ton of 25 as well as some 50 and see regs set mining out of position, in 3b pots etc every opportunity they get and they continue to hit, so why would they know they are playing poorly.

The newest trend of the aggro 3b monkeys is also hilarious to me. I'm starting to see numerous guys with stats like 13/10 with a 10% 3bet. I haven't seen one of these guys thats a significant winner at all. All they care about is squeezing and 3betting every opportunity they get regardless of fish and multi-way hand strength etc. It normally goes like this: A reg will open, a fish will call and then the aggro 3bet monkey will squeeze just to squeeze with hands like JTs and other hands that are better to play in position and multi-way. These guys annoy me for various reasons but the main reason being that they so often squeeze out the fish and end up playing a pot vs a reg. This is probably the biggest reason why none of them are up a significant amount. They are terrible post-flop and 3b all there equity away preflop.

Tangent.........anyways....

Overall it just sucks. I'm feeling alot of pressure with real life stuff and then poker is sort of piled on top. I don't really have a choice or option but to just get up every day and play as much as I possibly can, as well as I can. I'm going to try and play 10+ hours every single day for however many days. If I have to drop and play $10nl just to book wins and gain confidence then so be it. I know and have known as a poker player you have to learn to accept, deal and move on during times like this. It's obviously easier said than done however.

I have been tilting, yelling, throwing shit more than I usually do which isn't good either but the built up pressure just gets to me after awhile. Normally I can take a couple of beats a sesh but when they continue to happen during long sessions and an extended period of time it just sort of builds up. You would think I would have gotten used to it by now but I want to succeed so badly at this, I think that's a big reason why I tilt so hard sometimes. I have been good about quitting when I know I am on tilt and it's effecting my play regardless of how vocal I am.

/Rant post but it's probably good for me to write this out as it helps me deal with it and holds me publicly accountable for things, which should in turn help me become a better person and poker player.

Theology and The Apocolypse

I am gonna try and focus on various other things over my next few posts besides poker. That being said, poker has been ok at best. I have logged about 90 hours so far this month but am really striving for 250 hours and at least 5k in profit so we will see how it goes.

I have always found myself being fascinated with Theology and recently The Apocalypse ideas that are becoming more popular. As far as Theology goes I would technically be classified as an Atheist, but not the Devil worshiping, sacrificial lamb kind. The word Atheism originated from the Greek word "atheos" which meant "without gods" (thanks wikipedia). I feel as though "without gods" is still a somewhat loose wording of what I truly believe in. I do not believe in the typical white whispy-beareded God that many Christians/Catholics believe in nor any one specific god-like figure for that matter.

In all honesty if I believe in anything that would be considered "god-like" it would be the belief of alien life forms and the possible intervention throughout human history. I believe the world has been visited and continues to be visited by some sort of alien life forms. I think this is probably why people pray to the sky or at least how it started as worshiping to the "heavens". It makes logical sense to me considering anatomically alike humans have been around for ~200,000 years whereas the Bible and the Torah have been around for ~2-3000+ years.

Without getting into too many religious beliefs and argument/debate starters I brought up my atheism for a reason. I would like to go back to school at some point in my life and Theology has always been a top candidate, the other being finance. I think the world's varying opinions on the different aspects of religion are fascinating and would be a great experience to travel the world and discuss the world's many religions and beliefs systems with people from many different cultures. I also think I would be able to provide open and interesting research since I don't believe in a specific religion.

The Apocalypse ideas have also really fascinated me as of late. I don't know why an impending doom would really captivate my interest so much but it does. I think the varying ideas that the world will end on December 21st, 2012 exceptionally interesting. I think its the interest of so many people that actually fascinate me. The desire or urge for humans to believe in things we can not control or do not know the answer to is semi-perplexing to me. I guess that is why Science fiction is so popular, I am a very big fan of Sci-Fi and feel as though it is good excercise for the mind to wonder about all the what if scenarios. I think it helps breed creativity as well as way of evolving our thought and problem solving processes as a society.

I do believe the date does hold some sort of significance but I am unsure of what kind of significance it may be. Will it be a solar flare that scorches most of the planet, or a polar shift that plunged the Earth into another ice age, will it simply mean the ending of the Long Count Mayan Calendar resulting in the next step in human enlightenment or perhaps nothing at all and fall by the wayside such as the Y2K fears??

Overall I think Theology and The Apocalypse fears go together. I feel like it is just human nature to believe in the unknown or things that can not be proven 100% fact. Maybe it's just because it peaks our curiosity or because it allows us as individuals to believe in something that empowers us that can't be proven wrong or taken away from us directly?

Some of these ideas have been on my mind, so I decided to regurgitate them into some sort of organized fashion. I am also currently working on an article/poo-bah type post dealing with The Entrapanurial Spirit and Poker. It will probably take me awhile as I want it to be really well put together but I'm probably going to be writing more non poker stuff for awhile.

Im at 10k vpps on the month and only up just under 1k cash so I need to get on my horse and work ~150 hours the remainder of the month.